sO LoNg SalvATIon

what ive found recently is — im so afraid of losing something i love, that i refuse to love. with every step i take i look in the mirror and see a small child. but i cant bring myself to forgive you when no blood has been shed. ill get on my knees and you can kick me in the face, and once my teeth wiggle you can pluck them out one by one. bullets dodged but they were only blank, warm basements and even colder fates. "hate" is a strong word ive never feared, but its something i dance around when it comes to you. even in my final acceptance that youre gone, our eyes still brush over in my nighttime creeps. she gave me the strangest smile, turning back at me while the speakers thrum loudly. the room sways, but a pull and tug at my sleeve leads me to the spare room. by the next morning, shes no more than a ghost that has forgotten to die. show me what you are made of, have your cake and eat it too. stare me down through your rear view mirror, and blow your smoke while i get into the passengers side. disintegrate from the inside out (drink you out, sit in a garage with all the cars running, watch her from afar) but your heart will never agree. staring at you from across train tracks, eyes never touched by cruel fates, dont you know my worst nightmares are about you? prom queen in a new theme,car accidents, pills and pills and pills that i just wont take. you'd find me at first light. sunrise after sunrise and ive grown not to expect anything. my head wont let me go. no more falling out of love, just desperation. but desperation is not a strong enough word (but it will have to do). my place is nowhere near you, the simplest relay race. i look for everything i was in someone elses skin, but ive never looked for more. window still cracked open from your goodbye. tonight warm bodies sleep next to you but theyll never feel like his. lace up my heart and stitch up my wounds. lips sore from first kiss, always awaiting a last. i am not the person you once knew. hours can pass and minutes can come to a stop but hearts beat all the same when youre gone. when i got what i wanted i found out it wasnt ever enough. i tried to cut my tongue out the other night, its the only thing that leads me to being miserable.

xo